Cycles

I’ve started seeing the signs again. A reminder of me at my worst, a time I hate remembering. All it took was one wrong comment and I began to spiral. Crying over nothing, over someone I never thought I would cry over. My heart aches but it’s not love it’s a sweet dependency that overtakes me. How was I supposed to know I’d end up right back here.

Maybe it’s the seasons but it lines up too much to the last time. When all I knew was unconditional love that led me in circles, just chasing, trying not to let go. It hurts. I hurt so much. Maybe it’s the same dismissive language, maybe it’s the empty threats, maybe it’s because they’re all I have. I should’ve known when I first started to question innocent words, I should have known when all I could see was them, that there was no room in my heart for real love or I’d feel as though I was leaving them behind.

It was the same late night calls

The same finding a moment to see them

The very same need to make myself more palatable

But it’s different, so different I want backtrack. They aren’t the same people, one showed their love the other I had to search. Or my mind has fogged my memories and nothing I remember is real. All I’m certain is that I needed them so much more than they needed me.

I’m obsessive. It’s a fatal flaw really, something I can’t shake. I need someone, anyone who will give me attention. Someone who will just listen and care while I lose my mind. But with my track record maybe I don’t deserve. I crave what I can’t have, and grasp what I do have until it bleeds. I’m not who I want to be anymore.

I’ve fallen and I don’t know how to pick myself up again.